Chapter One: The Deepest Abyss Known To Humanity
Have you ever fallen so in love? To the point of no comeback? What happens when coming back is the only thing left to do?
What do you do when your fairytale romance goes wrong? What if what gets you out of rock-bottom throws you back in there? Even deeper in fact.
It was one of those days when it was just you and I. Those were kind of the best days. The eating off one plate, the feeding each other. Yea yea, I’m a messy eater. But then you cleaned the white pasta sauce off my face, can I go ahead and say, you had me there again? Oh, when our legs brushed against each other’s or when you playfully put your hand on my thigh and then you did that again in the car.
Chapter Two: The HoneyMoon Phase And The Blank Night
Aren’t the starting days the best? What do they call it? The ‘Honeymoon Period’? So we start texting. First over the office messenger then over texts. Then we started talking over the phone. How I loved our talks. I don’t know what we talked about or whether it even made sense. But I know I couldn’t do without it. Oh wait, let me rephrase that. I didn’t want to do without it. Every time I saw your name on my screen and saw that you were typing… I got this smile, a really wide one and then the rest of the day and my phone battery would go down the drain.
How did you do it?
What I absolutely loved about you was the fact that you wanted to be the guiding light I never had in my life. Be that person for me who I can fall back on, like a trust fall and nothing else. That’s all you wanted to be. Be there for me, knowing no one had ever been there. Be that person in my life that I always needed, that I always wanted. The person that I wished for every 11:11. Better late than never eh? I cannot be poetic here. I wish I could. Sorry about that. I can never, for the love of God, rhyme. But hey, the best feelings come out in free verse than in any other kind.
I was so sure it wouldn’t come to that and when push came to shove, you’d be there. I wasn’t expecting anything else, I hope you knew I was not expecting anything, not then. I was happy however and whatever that was. After all, you made me look forward to boring office hours over the lively weekends. I didn’t know anyone else who looked forward to going to the office, more than coming back home.
Chapter Three: The Palpable Change Of Feelings
How did you do it? Oh, wait, something changed. Why did it change? Was it all in my mind? My mind was no longer in my control. And no, it was no longer ‘the butterflies in the stomach’, not in control kind it was. This was different. I was actually no longer in control of my thoughts, emotions or actions. Wait why is this whirlpool of feelings different from what I felt earlier? Why are these feelings pushing me over the edge? Towards the dark side. Why am I not seeing any way out of this?
The feelings have just grown stronger. Stronger than ever. I know everything I say seems so hyperbolic, but really I am not exaggerating here. I don’t know, if the feelings are temporary or if they are the real deal. Right now for me, it’s as true as it can get. The more time I spend, the more I am falling for you…. Hard…. And it sucks that I can’t, do anything about it. Not even tell you.
Why can’t I do anything about it? I should have it under control. But, I have nothing in control, not even my thoughts. And boy, can they be catastrophic. So, my descend into the downward spiral was just like every documented and undocumented journey of the same. I never related to Belljar more.
Chapter Four: The Symptoms And The Causes
I even made a checklist. One by one everything checked out. The night I heard someone. Someone conversing but then I realised I live alone. There’s no way anyone could have got in and it’s been forever I switched on the idiot box. I checked if I locked my door- once, twice more than that even. Thanks to the intrusive-obsessive thoughts. Then I narrowed it down to two things either someone broke in or the fact that I took one too many sleeping pills and my mind started playing mind games with me. That was the night I realised I started hearing voices, that was the night I had my first ever auditory hallucination. Oh how much I hoped it was the former.
It was also the night I had a nervous breakdown, my second one.
Chapter Five: The Conundrum Of Happiness
After that, I began to wonder if I needed a new checklist for something completely different. I remember the details vividly. I locked my bedroom door as if that would have made any difference. I curled up in the fetal position just by the bed and couldn’t get up. I wanted to call up someone, anyone, just reach out for help. Just wanted to utter those words- Help me! Okay?. Just help would have done the job too.
But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t get myself to call anyone. I scrolled through my phone list twice, thrice. Just couldn’t do it. Not that I didn’t have friends, not that I don’t have friends. I just refused to show that side to them. I didn’t want them to see that side of me. That side of me that could have done irreplaceable damage to the idea of me. It did anyway. Not their idea of me, my idea of myself.
Because that was the night I also got suicidal. It was just a fleeting thought. A thought I never thought will cross my mind, a thought I let go by taking another sleeping pill which I gulped down with a malt drink.
(To Be Continued..)
(Read the First Episode Of LoveSick On This Link)